


Uncertainty

by princesslexi763



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cheating, Depression, Drunk Sex, Happy Ending, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mpreg, couple disputes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-08-14 00:21:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7991731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princesslexi763/pseuds/princesslexi763
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was all started with a fight…<br/>I mean, when you looked at our relationship in the public eye, everything seemed perfect. We were loving to each other, he was always holding my hand in public, showing me affection, just making sure I was comfortable in every sense of the world. <br/>I really did love him. <br/>I still do…<br/>Dan Howell and Phil Lester were the couple everyone thought of them to be--or so everyone thought. That was until a fight between them nearly collapsed all they had known...and left them in a situation neither one ever wanted to be in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Uncertainty

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! Just a little one-shot that I put together after reading a story on tumblr about someone cheating on their partner and finding out they're pregnant and not knowing who the father is. It was originally with a female but I really like the concept with Dan and Phil so I put them into the prompt! I really enjoyed writing this piece and I feel like it is one of my better pieces so I hope you all enjoy it! Happy reading! :)
> 
> Also, disclaimer, I know that Phil's real hair color isn't black but for the sake of the story, please just pretend it is. I also didn't really do a good job at formatting their apartment but the way I did made for a more dramatic piece so deal with it haha

It was all started with a fight…

I mean, when you looked at our relationship in the public eye, everything seemed perfect. We were loving to each other, he was always holding my hand in public, showing me affection, just making sure I was comfortable in every sense of the world. 

I really did love him. 

I still do…

But the fighting is what got to me in the end. What the public didn’t get to see of us. 

They always started out for some pathetic reasoning that just made sense to one and not the other. The first fight was only a few months into our long five year relationship.

He had left a sock sitting on our coffee table. And I know what everyone is going to say. I was being _overbearing_ and I was _making a huge deal out of nothing._ But I’m a clean person and seeing something out of place like that just bothered me! 

_It’s a fucking sock for God’s sake, Phil, just go and put it away in your dresser!_

I remembered that those were my exact words to him. And he just rolled his eyes and said he’d put it away later…of course he was on his laptop at the time, just sitting on the couch with his feet propped up next to the scene of the crime. 

So, naturally, being the slightly ‘volatile’ man—or rather teen at the time—I picked up the object and chucked it at Phil’s face…and he just laughed. He laughed it off, grabbing it and acting like it wasn’t a big deal. So I laughed too, and then that night, we acted like that ‘fight’ didn’t happen and we cuddled as we watched _Kill Bill._

But the fights got progressively worse, even more so when we moved in with each other. I guess it was because we finally were able to nit-pick each others worst qualities—like how I’d wake up in the morning and Phil’s side of the bed would be warm and then I’d trudge to the kitchen to see his hand down the inside of my cereal box as he’s eating away at it like it’s nothing! 

And now, it’s been five years…living together for three…and it’s not the same relationship that I ever remembered. Sure, Phil and I love each other, it’s not something that will ever change. But having our relationship splayed in the public eye for everyone to see is so demanding of us! In public, he’ll kiss my cheek and whisper in my ear, but then we get home and he won’t go near me! He doesn’t touch me, he doesn’t kiss me hardly besides to say goodnight, and it hurts. 

So that was the topic of our fight that night that everything was unleashed. 

It started when I decided that enough was enough. When Phil and I had first got together, we shared intimate nights of passion frequently. I loved being dominated by him, having his kiss me as he thrusting into me and telling me he loves me over and over again. And now, it’s been nearly six months since we’ve had sex and I wanted it so badly! I needed him to show me that intimacy again! 

As we were sitting on the couch, watching _Attack on Titan_ and eating popcorn, I nudged into his side, moving my hand up and down his thigh as an attempt to get any sort of action off from him. But he moved slightly and pushed my hand away, “Not tonight, Dan.” he said. 

And I snapped, “Then when!” I shouted, “When the hell are you ever going to show any affection to me anymore?” 

“I do show you affection!” He said in a high pitched, rushed, voice, “I kiss you all the time.” 

“Bull. Shit!” 

I stood up from the couch, throwing my hands up, “Dan, come back!” he pleaded with me. 

I shook my head, “Enough is enough!” I said as I turned around to face him, “Do you even love me anymore? After five years, am I want you want? What you desire?” 

He stood up in front of me, “Don’t be ridiculous, Dan, of course I love you! I’ve loved you since the day you stepped off from that train!” 

“Then show me!” I said, my voice suddenly cracking and my vision blurring, “Show me that you still love me, Phil.” 

The tears began to freely flow down my cheeks as I brought my hand up to muffle the sounds coming from my mouth. 

And the worst part, was that Phil didn’t even rush over to comfort me. He just stood where he was and stared at me, “You’re being over-dramatic, Dan.” 

He began to finally walk over to me but he wasn’t coming near me after those words that cut directly to the core. He reached out for my arm and as soon as his hand hit the skin, I jerked away and slapped his hand away from me, “Get the fuck away from me!” I screamed out, pushing him as far away from me as possible. 

“Dan, I didn’t mean it like that. Please, calm down.” he said softly to me, “I love you, bear.” 

I shook my head, walking further past him so I wasn’t even near him anymore, “I can’t be here.” I said as I opened the door. 

“Dan! Where are you going?” he called after me as I opened the door and began to step out. 

“Away.” 

And now, here I am, sitting in the bar that’s just a few streets down as I gulped down another drink of bourbon. I don’t know how long I’ve been here but the constant buzzing of my phone on the bar tells me that it’s been a while and Phil is getting worried about. 

I loved Phil with every fiber of my being. But his words to me tonight was something that I couldn't just forget tonight when I got into bed with Phil again. I don’t think this is an end to Phil and I, instead, I think when we can get through this, we’ll be okay. I hoped so anyway. 

Phil was all I had anymore. I dropped my life to be with him. I dropped out of Law School, I went broke trying to visit him. He’s the person that I thought I’d share the rest of my life with. I’ve been expecting a proposal for years now and I’ve even had some our closest mutual friends tell me that he’s mentioned marrying me when he’s alone with them. 

So I’d never leave him…and honestly, after tonight, I’ll probably just go back to him and our apartment where we’ll kiss and he’ll hold me as I cry for the rest of the night. And then tomorrow morning, we’ll forget that anything had ever happened. 

The stool next to me squeaked as a body descended on it. I turned slightly and looked at the figure, a large built man with dark brown hair and bright eyes. I didn’t want to feel anything towards them but I was vulnerable in the state I was in. 

“Hey,” The man said in a deep voice, “What brings such a young, beautiful man out here to such a place?” 

I shrugged my shoulders, “Just needed to clear my head.” 

The bartender placed another glass of bourbon onto the counter top and I swiftly picked it up, swallowing the whole drink down with a slight burn. I winced, feeling the alcohol finally hit. My head clouded slightly and I looked over at the man, “What is your name?” I asked through a slightly slurred voice. 

“I’m Greyson.” 

“I’m Dan.” 

“So, do you have a girlfriend…or boyfriend?” he asked cautiously. 

And in a moment of complete and utter weakness, I said, “Nope.” 

“Do you wanna, maybe, head back to my apartment?” 

Feeling the thoughts in my head meddle together, I nodded, “Sure.” 

Because at that time, the only thing that I believed would make me feel better about Phil and I was the sole idea that sleeping with someone else, would make me realize how much I truly loved Phil. 

And so I laid down some bills onto the counter to cover my drinks and picked up my still buzzing phone. Looking down in a haze, the only thing I remember doing, is scrolling to PJ’s name in my contacts, and sending him a text saying: 

_If Phil texts you asking for me, cover for me._

And then I left the bar with Greyson and no since of dignity left. And no common sense apparently either. 

****

I guess you can say that I did the _walk of shame_ when I finally came around. But it was much worse. 

When I woke up, I initially just felt the effects of a hangover. I groaned and when I opened my eyes, the official reality of the situation began. I jumped up from the bed, grabbing everything I could find that was mine in my sight. Throwing on my clothing, tears running down my cheeks, I grabbed my phone and rushed out of the apartment. 

I didn’t know where the man was, the man that I had cheated on Phil with. If he was still laying next to me, I would have never known. I felt tremendous guilt overcome me but something inside of me changed when I walked out of the apartment building and realized the sky was still black. 

It was still the night-time, it wasn't even the morning. Not knowing if I should even call Phil or PJ, I just looked around to see where I was before I stumbled down the street and rushed towards the direction of Phil and I’s shared place. 

I don’t know what I expected when I walked through the door, but a crying Phil wasn’t that. 

“Oh my God, Dan, where were you?” He asked as he ran over to me, scooping me up in his warm embrace, “I was so worried about you! You weren’t answering me and I feared the worst. Don’t ever scare me like that again. I love you so so much and I can’t let you leave like that again.”

“I’m so sorry.” I whispered to him through a broken voice, “I love you, Phil.” 

He pressed soft kisses to my cheek as I cried. His own tears were meddling with mine as he held me close to him. I clung onto him like he was my only lifeline as we both sobbed. I felt so much guilt over sleeping with Greyson and now running back to Phil’s arms. 

Or maybe I didn’t sleep with Greyson. Maybe one can hope that I just passed out before anything could be done but anyone would be stupid if they couldn’t sense the pain in their lower region from a night of sex. Even with Phil, despite how often it was, I always felt a slight pain following. But I didn’t mind it with him, because I was used to it. 

“Let’s go into the bedroom, yeah?” Phil asked softly as he let me go. 

It was the first time that I got a really good look at his face since I came home. And it absolutely broke me. His normally vibrant blue eyes were puffy and bloodshot from crying. His cheeks were tear stained and his face flushed with sadness. I’m sure I looked no better honestly. 

Phil grasped my hand gently in his, intertwining our fingers as he pulled me towards the bedroom. I didn’t even know what time it was. My head was still cloudy, my words still slightly slurred, and my actions blurry. But I knew one thing was certain: I had made the biggest mistake of my life just a few hours ago. 

I sat down slowly on the bed, uncertainty climbing through my body as Phil sat down next to me. His arm wrapped around my back and I leaned into him, “I’m so sorry.” I said again as I squeezed my eyes shut and another tear leaked down my cheek, hitting my chest and making me shiver. 

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” He whispered to me, “I was way out of line by what I said to you earlier. You’re the most important person in my life. You deserve the world and I haven’t been giving you the best lately.” 

If only he knew…

“What happened between us?” I asked him softly with hurt, “You used to worship me, show so much affection and intimacy to me, and then it stopped. You made me feel so unloved.” The last words came out as a sob. 

“Dan…I never meant for you to feel that I didn’t love you.” he said to me, his hand coming up to my jawline and his thumb rubbing over my cheek as the tears flowed freely, “I love you more than myself. I’d die for you if that meant you would live. Dan, you’re my world.” 

Turning to face him, I leaned forward towards him and pressed my lips to his own. I needed to feel his lips over mine, not that filthy man’s that I had agreed to sleep with. Kissing Phil harder, our lips moved against the others, both wet and salty from our tears. 

His hand found my hair and he intertwined his fingers in the locks, pulling on them with such a force that I felt pleasure. Moaning into his mouth, I pulled back from him and ghosted my lips over his as tears still exited my eyes, “Please show me how much you love me.” I whispered. 

“I love you, Dan.” He said, pressing his lips to my own and pushing me backwards on the bed. 

I needed sex with Phil to make me feel better about myself. 

“Make love to me.” I whispered to him during a breathless kiss. 

“Of course.” he whispered back just as he moved his mouth to my neck and my breath left my throat. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

It’s been a little over a month since that fateful night. And Phil and I’s relationship was no longer strained. In fact, we were better than we have been in years. We started having date night’s again, actually loving each other again. Like tonight, Phil made my favorite dinner of  chicken stir-fry, something he can actually cook, and prepared a candle-light dinner for our six year anniversary. 

After eating and stuffing our faces, sitting on the couch snuggled into one another seemed like a perfect idea. So I was sitting between Phil’s legs, my back against his chest and his arms snuggled around me. We seemed like a perfect fit. 

But there was something bugging me now. I was getting sick in the morning and eating more during the day. I’ve gained some weight and noticed a sensitivity to emotional pieces lately. Like, this morning specifically, I was scrolling on Facebook when I saw a video of a puppy rescuing a kitten from a hawk and I was crying so hard I nearly popped a blood vessel in my eye. 

It’s been bothering me lately, for more reasons than one. 

The first being, I’m a carrier. I was diagnosed as a carrier when I was only twelve years old. The carrier gene ran on my mother’s side. My uncle is a carrier and has birthed two of my cousins, so my mother had me tested when I began to show the symptoms of the gene: effeminate behavior, sexuality crisis, ‘periods’, and the strong desire for fatherhood. 

About twenty years ago, the carrier gene was produced because they feared that females wouldn’t be able to produce children at the rate that the world needed. Because of this, they gave males the ability to birth children. The gene can only be seen in about ten percent of males so when a male has the site of the gene, they’re expected to birth children. 

But because of horny teenagers and such, we can be put on birth control until we’re ready to bear our first child. So when I told my mother how I had lost my virginity at the age of fourteen, I was quickly put on birth control and I haven’t been off from it since. Sure, some day’s I forget to take my pill but I was fully okay with the idea of getting pregnant with Phil’s child. 

Phil knew about me being a carrier, in fact, I told him so when we first met because neither one of us wanted to get a surprise at how young we were when we began dating. But like I mentioned, as the years went by, I’m not opposed to having a child with Phil. 

_And that’s totally not because I had the mindset that a child would be what Phil and I needed to fix our fucked up relationship_. 

But I’m not thinking about the possibility of being pregnant, or of a child being conceived in a night of sadness mixed with passion. Our love making that night was a mix of tears as we reconnected the love that we had lost so many months before. And then after, as we held each other and tears continued to spill, we discussed our future and for a few hours, I believed we were over and there wasn’t a single thing that could save us. 

Then everything turned out to be exactly what we wanted to have and it’s what we want now. Our audience is even saying that we look more in love, more lively. That we look happy again. 

But I am still plagued with the idea of how I let my vulnerability take over and I willingly cheated on him. 

“What are you thinking about, bear?” Phil asked as he absentmindedly played with my hair in a comforting way. 

I shook my head, “Nothing.” I said, “What video are we going to film later?”

Phil stretched behind me and groaned, “Mhm…I have no idea. I was thinking about possibly just filming a gaming video and calling it a night. But I don’t know what we would play. We just uploaded Undertale and we don’t really have the time to film another hour long Sims video and edit it. Plus, I’m just tired for some reason so how about we call it a night.” 

I turned slightly so my shoulder was against his chest and looked up at him, “What about just spending the time together then? I’m sure that the fans wouldn’t mind if we were just a little late on a video again.” 

Leaning up, I pressed a chaste kiss against Phil’s lips, moving my hand so it was holding his jaw. His arms wrapped around me and I adjusted myself so I was now sitting between his legs and facing him as we kissed, more passionately than before. 

Pulling back, I smiled at him, hoping he got the hint, “Should we take this into the bedroom now?” 

He smirked at me, “Whatever you want.” 

“Yeah, let’s go.” 

Standing up, I grabbed Phil’s hand and yanked him from the couch. 

Our sex life has been amazing lately, and I’ll be damned if I let anything stop us from having the relationship we both wanted and needed. 

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I groaned, pulling it out to see who was messaging me. It was probably PJ asking what we were doing tonight. PJ has been hounding us to be in a production that he wants to do and he’s not going to give up asking us until we say ‘okay’. But the last time he did so, we were two newspapers who were married and we had to wear paper mache on our faces for nearly twelve hours and it was _the_ worst face mask I’d ever had. 

But the message displayed on the screen was much worse. 

**Greyson:** _Hey, baby, long time no talk ;) are you busy tonight?_

Fuck. Shit. Fuck! How in the hell did he get my number? Did I give it to him when we…ya’know. Or did he stalk me? What the hell? 

I am not going to answer him. I just am not going to. I can’t. I’m about to have sex with the love of my life and yeah, no, he’s not killing this mood for me tonight!

“Dan,” Phil said suddenly reaching for my arm, “You look like your puppy just got run over. Is everything okay? Was that your mom or brother?”

I shook my head, “No, it was nothing.” 

I grabbed his hand again without realizing that I had even let it go and dragged him behind me towards the bedroom, “I’m really in the mood tonight and want you to fuck me so hard that I can’t walk tomorrow.” 

Phil smirked at me and moved his hands down my hips, “I can certainly oblige.” 

Smiling, I leaned forward and kissed him soundly on the mouth as we walked into the room and fell backwards onto the bed. 

****

Phil and I quickly cleaned up after our rendezvous. I did in fact get a text from PJ asking what we were doing. So we agreed to go out with PJ and Chris to the local bar for a night of drinks and socialization.

What I didn’t expect, was a certain specific set of eyes to blaze through my soul as soon as I walked in hand in hand with Phil. 

Greyson…he was standing at the bar with a group of other guys. He saw me and his eyes cut into my soul as he stared at me. I felt self-conscious, I felt embarrassed, and most importantly, I felt ashamed. This was the man I had cheated on Phil with and Phil would never known. 

“Dan, you okay? You turned pale? Let’s go sit, yeah?” 

I didn’t know who was talking at first, my head was in such a cloud, but then I looked up and saw a concerned Phil looking at me with his loving eyes. 

I nodded quickly, “Let’s go over to the booth in the corner and wait for PJ and Chris.” 

“Is something bothering you?” 

Looking around with frantic eyes, I shrugged, “No, just wanna sit in the corner.” 

Phil nodded slowly, “Alright.” 

We both walked over to a small booth in the back of the bar and I peered around to make sure I was out of Greyson’s sight. Sitting down next to Phil, I took comfort in his body. I leaned into him, snuggling my side into his to feel safe. 

“Dan, I’m going to ask you again, are you feeling okay?” he asked me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. 

“No, I’m not really.” I said softly, “But I really want to see our friends so let’s just forget about it and try and enjoy ourselves, okay?” 

“No, if you’re not feeling good, we can leave and send PJ a text. He’ll understa—“ 

“Hey there, remember me?” 

I felt my body tense and I looked up at the voice talking to me, “I don’t know who you are.” I lied to Greyson as he stared down at Phil and I. 

“Excuse me,” Phil interrupted, “We don’t really—“ 

“How do you not remember me?” Greyson said, “After the passionate night we shared together?” 

I shook my head, “I don’t know who you are. You are mistaken.” I swallowed hard, “I have been with my boyfriend for six years now and I certainly don’t know you and what you’re talking about?” 

“Are you sure?” 

Phil suddenly pushed me off from him and stood up at the booth, “Listen here, leave my boyfriend alone and leave. He clearly doesn't want you around and nor do I.” 

Greyson just chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck, “Well, don’t be a complete stranger, Dan.” 

With that, he walked away and back to his buddies standing at the bar. Phil sat back down and everything was silent between us for a moment until Phil turned to me and said, “How did he know your name?” 

I shook my head in a clouded lie, “I don’t know. He must have heard you talking.” 

Phil just shrugged and nodded and luckily for us, PJ and Chris arrived just moments later. 

But that still didn’t help with the tension that was now between Phil and I for the remainder of the night. 

****

“Are you ever going to drink tonight?” PJ asked me as he passed a bottle of beer my way. 

I was tempted to take it and drink it to get my mind away from reality but for some reason, my body was telling me that I shouldn’t drink it. It struck me as odd but I wasn’t going to deny my body from what it’s saying to me. 

“Um…I think I’d rather just go and buy myself a water.” I said with a slight tremor in my voice. Phil just shrugged to PJ and Chris as I got up from the booth and slowly made my way towards the bar. 

I kept an eye out for Greyson to make sure that he wasn’t going to come up to me. Going up to the bar, I asked the bartender for a glass of water and picked it up, just at the same time that Greyson decided to come up behind me and grab my hip in his filthy hand, “Are you just going to act like a month ago never happened?” He whispered into my ear, “I felt something with you that night and I’ll be damned if I let it go to waste.” 

Turning to face him, I gritted my teeth, “It meant nothing.” 

He turned me quickly so we were face to face and I remembered instantly how he looked that night. How gentle he was with me and how he showed me affection like no other. How he peppered kisses down my neck and then kissed my lips so sweetly as I rode him. 

But then I remembered the consequences of that night and how I had cheated on Phil. 

Yet, without thinking, I whispered, “Listen, we can’t discuss this right now because my boyfriend is sitting over in that booth. As much as I don’t think it’s a good idea, let’s meet up to discuss what happened as a sense of closure for us both. But I can’t do it tonight.” 

I felt him let go of and I rushed back over to the booth where Phil was laughing at some stupid remark that PJ had made towards Chris. Joining in, I felt better knowing that I had getting a little bit of relief off from my chest and I leaned into Phil, kissing his cheek without a second thought. 

****

 

_The following morning:_

Running towards the bathroom, I barely made it to the toilet before I emptied the contents of my stomach into the bowl. There was something wrong, there wasn’t any doubt about it now. I have been having such terrible nausea in the morning and along with that, I can’t stop eating during the day so I’m gaining weight at a steady rate. I’ve been noticing acne break outs too on my cheeks that I haven’t had since high school and my normally dry skin was over-oily and shiny. 

Which led me to the next awful thought in my head…

_Am I…pregnant?_

Phil and I never used protection when we had sex, we stopped when we both realized we have only been with each other and we were going on a long term relationship. And I know that a condom was used with Greyson and I, as horrible as that situation still was. 

Rummaging through the drawer in the bathroom, I yanked out the blue case that held my birth control pills in the package. Looking over the days, I slowly began to see that I had skipped a few days. Feeling suddenly very uneasy, I saw that one of the days that I had skipped birth control…was the night after Phil and I’s fight. 

Taking a deep breath, I did the only thing I knew that I needed to do. 

I got dressed, walked out of the apartment (Phil was gone to the BBC to set up a time for us to begin our Radio One show again), and rushed to the tube which I took into the city and to the pharmacy. Carriers were pretty common around London so it wasn’t difficult to find a carrier pregnancy test hidden between all of the normal female ones. Picking it up, I held the box in my hand and looked it over. 

_Blue Line Pregnancy Tests: The #1 preferred pregnancy test brand trusted among carriers! Four out of five doctors recommend. Guaranteed to give you the most accurate result possible without a prior doctors consultation._

Well, here goes nothing I guess. 

Walking up to the register, I gave the cashier the box and she looked up at me with a slight sympathetic look, “Planned or unplanned?” She asked me. 

“Very much unplanned.” I said softly. 

“Well, good luck!” 

I just smiled at her and gave her the money and rushed out of the store, hiding the box in my jacket pocket on the way back to the tube station. 

Getting back to the apartment, I was getting ready to unlock the door when the handle jarred and the door swung open. Phil was standing in the doorway, a few envelopes in his hands, “Oh, hey!” He said with a smile, “I was just about to run these downstairs to our mailbox…where have you been?” 

“I had to run to the store.” I said quickly, rushing by him inside. 

He turned to look at me and just shrugged his shoulders as he shut the door behind him and headed out of the door to go downstairs. 

Knowing I had to rush now, I ran into the bathroom and locked the door behind me. Taking a deep breath, I ripped the box open and quickly pulled out one of the white sticks. _All you had to do was pee on it, right?_  

Quickly doing the test, I looked at the directions on the box and read that it took two minutes before the test would give an answer. I sighed and looked up at the clock, hoping the two minutes would go by really fast. 

I was a minute and a half in when there was a sudden knock on the door, “Dan? Why is the door locked? Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine!” I answered back all too quickly. 

After a moment of the handle jarring, I gave in and opened the door, but I quickly grabbed the test in my hand as I looked at him, “What is going on with you?” He asked me seriously, “Dan, you’re scaring me!” 

“There isn’t anything going on.” I said reassuringly, “I just felt a little sick, is all.” 

But he caught on and furrowed his eyebrows, “Then what are you holding behind your back?” 

And as if time hated me at that moment, the alarm on my phone went off signaling that the two minutes was over. Phil, being the person he was, started moving further into the bathroom. He walked up to me and put his hand on my arm and be my luck, I dropped the test with a clatter on the tile floor. 

Phil looked down and gasped as he saw the white stick, “Dan…?”

I bent down and picked up the test, slowly turning it over in my hand as I went to look at the result, “Dan, you’re not…” 

But then I saw the very prominent pink positive sign and I let out a cry as I shoved the test on the counter and pushed Phil out of the way as I ran out of the bathroom. I bolted for the guest room, not even our own room. Shutting the door behind me and locking it, I fell against the door and just cried. I was crying over the fact that I was pregnant and I was crying over the fact that Phil probably didn’t want a child given his reaction. 

There was a pounding on the door, “Dan, open up!” 

“No!” I shouted back as I kept my body against the door. 

“Dan, please! We need to talk!” 

As much as I didn’t want to, I knew he was right. Slowly opening the door, I saw a very upset Phil standing on the other side. There were silent tears running down his cheeks and the sight was enough to make me cry harder yet. 

But then Phil gathered me in his arms and just held me, “You’re pregnant.” 

He said those words like a statement and not a question. 

“Yeah, I guess I am.” I said into his neck, “Do you want a child, Phil?” 

He pushed me off from him enough for me to be able to look at him, “Why wouldn’t I want something that I helped create?” He said to me with a broken voice, “I’ll never be upset that you’re pregnant, bear. In fact, I’m over the moon!” 

I felt my voice change and I suddenly smiled, “Really?” 

He nodded, “I’ve been thinking a lot lately but I didn’t think you were ready for a child yet so I never mentioned it to you. I’m twenty nine and you’re twenty five and I don’t know about you, but I really want a baby. And you’re the only person I’d ever want to have a baby with.” 

My lips curled up into a smile even though my eyes still spilled silent tears and my body shook, “Phil, I want a baby with you too.” 

He scooped me up in a hug and swung me in circle, “Oh, bear, I’m so happy!” 

I kept smiling, actually smiling into Phil’s neck as he showed me his happiness. 

Yes, Phil and I were having a child and yes, I was very happy as well. 

****

I scheduled an appointment for the following week the afternoon that we found out. Phil wanted to go with me to the first appointment but BBC called and wanted Phil to go in for a meeting so he wasn’t able to. Instead, I was sitting in the waiting room all alone with a group of other carriers sitting around me. Some were easily almost at the end of their pregnancy and a few others, I could tell were just beginning like I was. 

As I sat there and filled out the necessary paperwork, the door to the office opened and a young teenager who was visibly pregnant walked out with a very much older man holding his hand. I felt uneasy and pained seeing the struggle and defeat in that young teen’s eyes. 

“His name is Casper.” I looked at the direction that the voice was coming from. A green haired man was sitting just a chair away from me and was looking in my direction. He was wearing glasses, a blue sweatshirt, and a pair of jeans. He looked overly casual but I wasn't going to judge because I was wearing a black Yeezy tee shirt and a pair of skinny jeans, “He started coming here a few months ago when I first found out that I was pregnant myself. The poor lad is only fifteen and struggling. That man that was with him is his midwife. It’s his only sense of aid right now. His parent’s abandoned him when they found out he was a carrier and he lived in an orphanage. He then became pregnant and was thrown out from his only sense of home.” I cocked a brow at this man who seemed to be telling me a lot of information about someone else’s life, “He told me one day when we were waiting. His midwife took him in which is amazing in my opinion. The poor kid…” The man then paused and said, “My name is Sean by the way. I’m exactly eighteen weeks pregnant and I’m finding out the sex today! My husband and I are so excited! We’ve been trying for a baby since we first got together and at one point, they told me I couldn’t ever bear a child. So we’re calling this one our little miracle.” 

My mouth softened and I ‘awed’ at Sean’s story. That’s so precious and so much better than my own, “I’m Dan.” I said, “I took an at home pregnancy test that told me I was pregnant so today is my first appointment. I don’t even know how far along I am but I know I’m not far.” 

Sean turned in his chair and faced me, “Do you have a boyfriend or a…?”

“I have a boyfriend but I’m kind of hiding a secret from him.” I said slowly, “I cheated on him with a one night stand at a bar about a month and a half ago. And if the doctor tells me that I’m around six weeks pregnant, I may just cry because then I don’t know who the father is. Because the night after my one night stand, my boyfriend and I had make-up sex. Which would mean either one could be the father.” 

Why I was telling this man that I barely knew this big of a secret, I don’t know. I guess I just saw a confidant in him. I found someone that I could call a friend in this situation. 

“Dude, that’s rough.” 

“You’re not going to call me out on it?” I said shocked, “Call me a slut or a whore because I cheated on my boyfriend?”

Sean shook his head, “Where am I to judge you? People do things sometimes that _I_ personally wouldn’t do but that doesn’t make them a horrible person.” 

I smiled at him and just breathed a very light, “Thank you.” As my name was called to head in the back. 

I was fully expecting to go right into a room and be getting an ultrasound done but instead, I was taken to a room with a desk and chair and was told to sit. They went through all of my medical history, what type of birth control I was on, if I had consumed any harmful substances, etcetera. 

They had me sign some papers and do some other things before the doctor came in and shook hands with me. Her handshake was firm but yet friendly and I instantly felt comfortable around her. No wonder so many people were here waiting to be seen!

“Hello, Dan! I’m Dr. Harper, it’s very nice to put a face to the name! Can you just recite your birthdate for me?” 

“June 11th, 1991.” 

“And when was your last birth control refilled?” 

“About a month ago but I admit I skipped a few days which probably explains this.” I said with a nervous chuckle. 

“What are you symptoms?” 

“I was having morning sickness, acne break outs, oily skin, a rejection to alcohol that I normally welcomed, and an increase in appetite.” 

“And you took a home pregnancy test that said you were pregnant?”

“Yes…” 

“And have you been under any stress lately?” 

“Not lately but I was about a month ago.” 

She nodded, “Anything to be concerned about?” 

I shook my head, “Nah, just my boyfriend and I getting into a little spat.” 

“How long have you and your partner been together?” She asked me seriously. 

“Nearly six years.” I said, “We’ve been together since I was nineteen and he was twenty three.”

She nodded again, “Okay, I think we’re all set to go and give a urine sample and a do a blood test! We’ll be able to tell if you’re indeed pregnant and how far along you are!” 

She stood up from her desk and escorted me from the room into an examination room where she had a nurse come in a draw my blood. Following that, she told me to go and give a urine sample in the bathroom with which I complied to. She told me that they ordered a rapid test administration on my blood test and urine sample so I can find the results sooner than normal. 

And the test was rapid indeed because I was suddenly being told the words that I was sure of, “Dan, congratulations, you are pregnant!” 

I nodded my head but I didn’t feel the overwhelming sadness that I thought I was going to feel at the idea. Instead, I smiled at her words and looked down at my stomach. I had another life growing inside of me! 

“We have determined that by the hormone levels in your blood and urine that you are around seven weeks which means that Baby Howell could have been conceived between the dates of October 15th and October 19th. But that will more than likely change a little bit when we do the ten week ultrasound next month! In the meantime, we have determined your due date to be June 16th! Maybe you and your baby will share a birthday!” 

“That seems so far away.” I said, “Nine months seem like such a long time.” 

“I assure you that the time will go by really fast. Especially if you have a supporting partner.” 

Sighing, I thought to myself whether or not it was pertinent information to tell her about the possible encounter and how this baby could be someone else’s besides Phil’s. 

“Can I tell you something?” I said suddenly. 

“Of course, Dan.” She said with a smile, “You can tell me anything.” 

Taking a deep breath, I let out, “I don’t know who the father is.” 

Dr. Harper’s eyes widened and she looked puzzled, “I’m…”

“My boyfriend Phil and I have been together for six years but we were having complications for a while. One night, we were fighting and I went and got drunk and willingly slept with a random guy at a bar. Later that night, I slept with Phil to make myself feel better. So…there is a fifty fifty shot…”

“Well, it’s not really my place to tell you what you should do, Dan, but my guess is that you need to talk to both about the situation. And I know it’s going to be a while, but maybe think about having a paternal DNA test performed once the baby is born. Because I’m sure they’re going to want to know.” 

I nodded, “I know. Thank you anyway.” 

She smiled back, “Okay, so let’s schedule your next appointment and I will see you then.” 

She gave me a firm pat on the back before exiting out of the room.

Sighing with myself, I quickly made my decision on what I needed to do. 

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

“Listen, we need to talk, okay?” 

Greyson looked up at me, his eyes dark with sorrow and sadness. It pained me to see him like this but I had to tell him about the situation. He was a great guy and really good in bed but I loved Phil and no matter who’s child this ends of being, I’m going to stay with Phil. That is the honest end of the situation. 

“Who was that man you were with at the bar?” he questioned, “You told me that you weren’t seeing anyone.” 

I sighed, “That would be my boyfriend. We’ve been together for six years now. We began dating when I was only nineteen and so he’s all I’ve ever really known or even been with. He is my first serious relationship and I wouldn’t ever give him up. He’s my life and my soul. He is the only thing that keeps me going anymore.” I paused before continuing, “The night that I came to the bar and met you, Phil and I were fighting. We had been fighting for so long that I just needed a break from him. I needed to clear my head. I never intended to cheat on him or anything to that extent. It just happened and it has become the biggest regret of my life.” 

Greyson cocked an eyebrow over his perfect eye, “So what brings us here then—if I’m such a mistake, according to your words.”

I shut my eyes as tears threatened to fall but I kept them at bay. Taking a deep breath, I let it out and opened my eyes again slowly, “I’m pregnant.”

Greyson’s eyes widened, “How in the…” 

“I’m a carrier and I’ve been so careful to not have this happen so the fast that it did is…it’s eating away at me. Because the baby is either going to be yours or Phil’s. And…” I took another deep breath, “I’ve decided that if the child is yours and not Phil’s, that isn’t going to change anything. I’m still going to stay with Phil and raise the child with him. And I’m sure that you’ll want to see your ‘creation’ as well, but I don’t think I can let that happen.” 

He looked at me with hurt eyes, “What are you saying? That if that child is mine, you’re never going to let me see it?” 

“Not never,” I said with a quick rebuttal, “Just not for a long time, okay? Because Phil isn’t going to handle that easily if it is yours and I’m not going to either. So what I’m saying is that I’m going to talk to Phil about this and when the baby is born in June, I’ll do a DNA test and pray to fucking God that it’s Phil’s.” 

“And that’s all?” He asked with a hurt voice, “That’s just it?” 

I nodded, standing up from the table we were currently sat at in the local Starbucks, “Yes, that’s all. I have to go now.” 

I grabbed my things and walked away as fast as I could, hoping that Greyson didn’t follow me. 

I snuck a look behind me and…he didn’t…

_________________________________________________________________________________

It’s been two months since the day I found out I was pregnant and I still haven’t talked to Phil about any of it besides the fact that I’m pregnant. He still believes that the child is his and I’m really hoping it is too. I am now sixteen weeks pregnant and in just a short few weeks, we will be seeing what gender we’re having. But in the meantime, Phil and I are just living in the glow of it all. 

We haven’t told our fans yet but I’m beginning to show so we’re planning an appropriate time for it. Phil want’s to make it some big surprise while I’d rather just do a sit down video with a formal announcement. Maybe we’ll do a combination of two. 

“Dan, can you come into the bedroom?” 

The call beckoned me from my work in the guest room—the now nursery—dropping the bits of crib onto the floor as I struggled putting it up. But Phil told me he was filming a video so he wasn’t helping me with it. He told me he’d join me when he was done. 

Walking slowly into the bedroom, the aroma of vanilla essence overwhelmed my heightened senses and I smiled, “Mm! Phil, that smells amazing!” 

I pushed the door open and was greeted with red lighting around the room and rose petals on the floor, leading to Phil—who was standing in the center of the room with a bouquet of roses in his hand. Feeling suddenly very emotional, I put my hand over my eyes as tears began. 

This was singlehandedly the most romantic thing anything has ever done for me!  
“Aww, Dan…come here!” 

I uncovered my eyes and walked forward slowly, following the rose petals until I was standing directly in front of Phil. He let go on the roses with one of his hands and used the free hand to grab mine. He interlocked our fingers and I smiled, “So, how romantic is this?” He asked with a nervous chuckle, “Like, is it cheesy or is it amazing?” 

“Phil, this is the most amazing thing anyone has ever done.” 

He smirked at me, “Good, because I want this memory to last forever.” 

My breath hitched in my throat as my mouth dropped open at the same moment he dropped to one knee in front of me, “Phil…” 

“I love you, Dan, so so much! You mean the absolute world to me. I knew that you were the one the minute you stepped off from the train in Manchester. The way you looked had me hooked from then on. I’ve never loved someone or something as much as I love you. Well, that may change when our little bundle of joy arrives in June.” I chuckled to his words as tears rushed down my cheeks, “Which leads me to this, I love you, Dan, and I’ll never get sick of saying that you. And I hope that I’ll get to say that forever because…” There was a pause as he let go of my hand and handed me the flowers with the other one. I grabbed then just as he pulled out a little black box from his pocket in his pants. 

I made some inhuman noise at that point, I know it honestly. I’ve been waiting for this day forever and now it’s finally happening. I don’t know how to react!

“Daniel James Howell, will you do me the amazing honor of marrying me?” 

“Yes!” I screamed out.

Phil shakily grabbed my left hand and slid the stunning ring onto my finger. Then he proceeded to stand up and throw his arms around me in such a loving embrace. 

“I love you so much, Phil!” I exclaimed into his neck, “And our little baby does too. He’s going to have the most amazing fathers.” 

Phil pulled back, “He?”   
I smirked, “Call it a fathers intuition but I think it’s going to be a boy.” 

Phil leaned in and pressed a kiss to my lips and I wrapped my arms around his neck in a gentle hold. Pulling back, he whispered, “Me too.” as his hands slid down the front of my chest to my ever growing abdomen. 

Looking down at my stomach, I placed my hands over Phil’s and spoke softly, “Do you know what just happened, little peanut? Your daddies are going to be married.” 

Yeah, there was _no way_ I was confessing to Phil about ‘the night in question’ any time soon.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Sure to both Phil and I’s intuition, Dr. Harper disclosed to us that we were in fact having a little boy. And that his new due date was June 22nd and that would be the official one. Which made Phil and I extremely excited because then, little peanut and I will be sharing a birthday month and how much more amazing is that? 

However, I still haven’t talked to Phil about anything yet. And I know I shouldn’t put it off but everything is just so amazing right now. We’re back in the honeymoon phase that we used to be in and we’re just so happy. I don’t want to ruin anything. 

But when I talked to PJ and Chris about it, they both said the same thing: _tell Phil now! Don’t wait for the baby to come and then tell him. Let him know now because it won’t hurt as bad than it would be to look at a child you thought was yours and then the features matched someone else._

And I totally agreed with them. But it’s just going to be hard to get the conversation started. 

So, tonight, after Phil and I had finished decorating the nursery with cute little items our friends got us, I decided to sit him down and tell him everything. It wasn’t going to be easy but it had to be done. I’m twenty weeks pregnant now and the baby will be arriving sooner than we think. 

“What did you need me to sit down for?” he asked puzzled as he took a seat at our kitchen table, directly across from myself. 

I twiddled my thumbs on my enlarged belly and sighed, “Do you remember that really bad fight we had about five months ago where I walked out of here and when I came back, I was drunk and spaced out and then we had sex?” 

He nodded his head slowly, “Where is this going Dan?” 

I sighed, “Well, that night, I’m almost certain little peanut was conceived…” I began, “But that isn’t…Phil,” I said with a broken voice as the tears began like a waterfall, “I cheated on you that night with that guy that confronted us in the bar and…I don’t know who’s the father of our little baby.” 

“Oh my God!” Phil exclaimed as he got up from the seat. 

I covered my face in shame as I just sobbed. The worst of it was that I could hear Phil’s sobbing over my own and it wasn’t something I wanted to ever hear from Phil. 

I’d ruined us…it was as simple as that. I’d broken us…I’d broken his trust in me…I’d broken his loyalty in me…I’d broken the life that he saw us having together. All because I was too fucking stupid and made the worst mistake of my life. 

“I’m so sorry.” I sobbed out, hoping he could hear me and understand what I was saying. 

I uncovered my eyes only to see that I was alone in the kitchen now. Phil was gone.

Turning around in the seat, I saw the door to our bedroom was shut and I knew he was in there. Deciding it was better not to bother him, I walked over to the couch, still sobbing like mad. I laid down and buried my face into the couch pillow, wrapping my loose arm around my stomach in a tight hold, placing an open palm just next to my belly button. 

And I felt it, the little feeling of movement within me. Looking down through blurred vision, I felt it again. The baby was kicking! The baby was kicking for the first time…and Phil wasn’t even here to witness it. 

“I’m so sorry, little guy.” I said sadly, “I’ve already ruined your life before it’s even begun.” 

I slept on the couch that night, pretending that I didn’t hear the sobbing and wailing that was coming from our bedroom. 

Or from myself…

It was two whole days before Phil actually talked to me following the confession. 

Two. Whole. Fucking. Days. 

I’d be lying if I said that those two days didn’t slowly kill me inside. I cried every time he’d walk by me in the apartment and not say a word. I’d cry every time he’d shut the door on when I went to go to the bedroom. I cried when I was finally able to sleep next to him in bed, but when he held me, he cried as well. 

So today, when he sat down next to me on the bed and spoke, I was taken aback. 

“I don’t care…” He said softly, “I don’t care if the baby isn’t mine,” He looked at me with sad eyes and I looked back. He grabbed my hand in his own, the silver engagement band twinkling in the fluorescent lighting, “I’m going to love the baby like it is mine. Just like I’m going to love you. I love you, Dan. And it hurts so badly to know you betrayed me like that. But I love you too much to let that effect us. If this baby isn’t mine, it’ll be okay, because I’ll love him regardless.” 

Feeling my heart swell, I threw myself against Phil and cried into his neck. He held me tight to him as I whispered out the words, “I love you beyond words.”

He just nodded his head. 

And just like that…the situation was over and done. And we returned back to our normal lives, forgetting that that had ever happened. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

It is now June 17th, and I’m currently in the hospital as contractions began. Labor pains were tough to deal with. They were something I never fully prepared for honestly. But having Phil by my side through it all was the best thing to ever have happened. 

We announced the fans that I was pregnant, literally only a week prior to today. We put it off so we could work on ourselves first, building up our relationship to where it needed to be again. We even went as far as to go to a short relationship counseling session, where Phil cried about how he felt guilty and he felt as if he pushed me away and into the arms of another man. And then we discovered how I just want to be loved and when he wasn’t giving me that, I willingly walked into someone else’s arms that were giving me that. And then we concluded with the sessions by telling each other why we couldn’t live without them. 

And we were okay. 

We were doing just fine. 

And now we’re going to have our little baby today. 

I’ve been in active labor for almost sixteen hours now and it’s living hell. Dr. Harper admitted me into the hospital yesterday when I told her that I was beginning to feel contractions. She asked me how long the increments were in-between each one and so I counted and she decided that the little peanut was arriving a few days earlier than expected. 

Which, honestly, thank fuck because being pregnant is a blessing and living hell at the same time—I don’t plan on getting pregnant again for a very long time. Believe me. 

Now they have me doped up on morphine as my contractions are getting worse. They’re coming a lot faster now and I’m not quite sure what is happening other than I feel like the medication isn’t helping any. Phil has been a doll, putting up with my screaming and crying the past few hours as I get ready to deliver our child. 

“Okay, Dan, we’re going to begin to administer your local anesthetic so that way we can get you prepped for your C- Section delivery.” 

Sweat caked my hair to my forehead as I pleaded, “Please, please, just get the baby out of me.” 

“We’ll try and be fast, okay?” 

“Will I be able to come in there?” Phil asked the nurse. 

She shook her head and I nearly cried, “No, I’m afraid not. Carrier deliveries are always riskier than a normal delivery so we always used a local anesthetic to knock the patient out. But you’ll be notified as soon as the baby is out!” 

It was at that time that a lovely contraction hit me and I sat up in bed, grinding down on my teeth and screaming through them as my knuckles went white from holding the arm-rests on the bed so tight. 

“It’ll be just a few minutes, Mr. Howell, and then we’ll be taking you back. In the meantime, I’m going to give you an injection of a slight sedative to ease you down before we wheel you in. Is that alright?” 

“God, yes, just get this fucking thing out!” 

The nurse chuckled just as soon as my vision blurred slightly and I felt myself seep into a finally painless sleep. 

****

Opening my strained eyes, I groaned at the bright white lights. Blinking a few times to adjust, I looked around to see I was back in the hospital room. 

And there was a little noise. The sound of crying actually—a baby crying to be exact. 

Turning my head to face the noise, I opened my eyes more to see a very teary eyed Phil, holding a blue wrapped bundle in his arms, swaying back and form and humming to them to calm them down. 

“Can I see him?” I asked through dry lips, “I wanna see my baby.” 

Phil looked down and me and smiled, “Finally waking up, bear?” 

“How long was I out?” 

“Well, baby Maddox here arrived about an hour ago. He’s extremely healthy and perfect.” 

And suddenly, I was being handed the blue blanket. Looking down at the small being in my arms, I began to cry. They were literally so perfect in every sense. Jet black hair covered his little head and his bright blue eyes were watching me. He had little rosy, chubby cheeks, and his little hand was sticking out from the blanket. Reaching down with my free hand, I touched his skin and it was so soft and amazing. 

I’ve never been so in love before. 

“Hello little Maddox, daddy loves you so much already.” 

Feeling the bed shift next to me, I moved over slightly as Phil sat down. He put his arm around me and looked down at our little boy, “I don't think we need a DNA test,” I said softly looking down at him, “He’s the spitting image of you.” 

Phil smiled, “I wasn’t going to do one anyway. Because it didn’t matter if he was mine or Greyson’s, all that mattered is that he’s ours and he’s healthy. And that is all we can ever ask for.” He reached down with his free hand and touched Maddox’s hand, “We love you so much little guy. You don’t even know.” 

It was at that moment that Dr. Harper came in and smiled at us, “Do you have a name for the little guy?” 

We both nodded. We had picked out the name long before but it felt so real now,

“Maddox James Lester.” We both said at the same time. 

And he was the perfect solution to our equation.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always greatly appreciated! Follow my twitter and tumblr @ princesslexi763 I reply back to every message and I'm sorry if you sent me a prompt and I haven't done it yet--I'm getting there haha


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